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Submit a joke to share with Y Weekly readers and Laugh out loud at other submited jokes below.

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(22/10/2007) Puneet Kaur writes

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said.... FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS. There were three blondes stranded on a island far, far away. They saw a magic bottle floating on the water. They retrieved it and they went ahead and rubbed it, a genie came out and said " thank you very much ladys". the genie said, just for that I will grant you all one wish and one wish only, so all three blondes were happy. The first blonde said I want to be rich and have a big mansion with a big swimming pool," poof", she was gone having a good time. The second blonde said, I want to be a millionaire and own a plane with a cute husband to take care of me and travel the world, poof", she was of with her husband having a good time. Then the third blonde was so sad. And the genie asked, "what is wrong?", the blonde said, you know what I wish, "I wish my friends were back here with me", and "poof", there they are, back together again.

(6/3/2007) Sarah writes

A anglican priest once told me this when i was younger..... A man was sitting in a bar having a few after work drinks. He realised it must be getting late and he should head home as his wife would kill him if he gets caught out the pub again.... So the man gets up of his bar stool ready to leave, but he falls flat down on the ground!..... geez i must be drunker than i realise he thought as he struggles to get up on his feet after a few minutes of struggle he drags him self home down the road ( luckly he dosnt live far away!) once hes home he drunkenly drags himself up into bed beside his wife and falls asleep with out her suspecting a thing! In the morning his wife wakes him up and begins to ask him how his night was working late fine he tells her to which she replys i know you were out the pub all night drinking again....but how did you know he asks her...? well she replys..." YOU LEFT YOUR WHEELCHAIR AT THE PUB AGAIN"

(28/2/2007) Sarah writes

Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree met at red tulips Bar, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street; he was a Fishermans Friend. He had a Rum & Butter and she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, "Polo - Im the one with the hole", she said. "Im the one with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of BlackMagic. It wasnt long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Decker. Then he showed her his Curly Wurly. But Ms Rowntree wasnt keen as she already had a few Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he was done his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he decided to take a Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising. So he did a Twirl and had a Picnic in her Sherbert. At the same time he gave her a Gob Stopper. Unfortunately Mr Cadbury had to go home to his wife,Caramel. Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught polywaffle. It turns out Ms Rowntree had a Box of Assorted Creams. Cos, she had been with All Sorts

(24/1/2007) Christine Anderson writes

One evening, a family bring their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK but, after a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK but, after another short while, she begins to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later that day, her family arrives to see how she is adjusting to her new home. "So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "Its pretty nice," she replies. "Except they wont let you fart."

(24/1/2007) Christine Anderson writes

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I dont know where I am. "The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be a programmer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, youve not been much help so far. " The woman below responded, "You must be a manager." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "You dont know where you are or where you are going" You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow "its my fault."

(24/1/2007) Christine Anderson writes

How To Become Australian A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. Wanting his own space, he buys a small piece of land near the outback. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.So he goes next door, but on his way up the driveway, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt this "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the driveway, pause, and then put his head next to the cows arse (or bottom for you ladies). The Aussie bloke cant handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "What the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today, you have your head so close to that cows arse, it could just about shit on you." The Chinese man is very taken back and says (in his best Asian voice) "Sorry sir, you do not understand, these arent Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs." "What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those arent Australian customs." "Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must Chase Chicks, Drink Piss, and listen to Bull-shit."

(24/1/2007) Christine Anderson writes

Lawyers.... A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As hes getting out of the car, a semi-trailer comes flying along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off. Distraught, the lawyer grabs his mobile and calls the cops. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the cop has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long its at the panel beaters itll simply never be the same again!" After the lawyer finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I cant believe how materialistic you bloody lawyers are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you dont notice anything else in your life." "How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the lawyer. The policeman replies, "Didnt you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you." The lawyer looks down in absolute horror. "Oh my God" he screams. "Wheres my Rolex ?".



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